A Russian guide to video game zen from 2002. (Also, Happy Old New Year everyone.)

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An article called "Tutorial to happiness: How to stop <...> and start playing" (<...> is usually interpreted as "installing"), published in vigeo game magazine "Game.EXE" in 2002. Enjoy.

1. If people will play absolutely all video games, there will be nobody left to work with wrench on a factory or move a computer mouse. Will be nobody left to speak at phone and shake each other hands. People won't have money for food, and their houses will be flooded with colorful boxes.

2. A wise man doesn't read game magazines. If one reads everything that is written, their head won't have space for own thoughts. Magazines make mind concerned and heart - anxious. So the true way is to buy the MAGAZINE, but do not read IT. MAGAZINE must be stored on a separate shelf, issue to issue, and carefully protected from dust.

3. Ignorance is power. Knowledge takes away man's will. Internet is like mysterious jar without bottom. One who starts drinking from it, cannot stop - one drinks and drinks, forgetting about thirst. People come to Internet without a specific purpose and soon find themselves unable to stand up and go away. They read news or waste air for empty talks. Information for the sake of information melts one's mind and makes man lose footing. No need to know what the producer said about the game. No reason to read four all-the-same interviews in oversea language. New pictures and demos will change nothing in order of things. This is why a wise man avoids the Internet. Whan one needs to know, will become known. What one doesn't need to know, isn't necessary to know.

4. If someone waits for release of his favored game, he wastes time. His life is being spent in endless pause mode. One like this moves from one calendar date to another instead of just enjoying every moment. Awaiting makes heart wither and takes away your ability to value what you have. Enjoying a game is being replaced by awaiting. This is why a wise man doesn't wait for anything. He plays already released games and knows nothing about future. He lives in present and draws from past.

5. A good game isn't affected by time. A bad game disappears like a trail on sand, washed by a sea wave. Bad games create semblance, good games aren't seen right away. Bad games fill your head with junk and spoil your blood. Good games open a door into beautiful. Bad games spoil digestion and create bags under eyes. This is why a wise man plays only good games, avoiding bad ones.

6. Only time can help to distinguish a good game from bad. He who judges a bame by its nice cover on the box, often does a mistake. He who buys games, following persuasions of advertisement, is subject to disappointment. He who trusts rumours and gossips, shows his short-viewedness. People bustle and push each other with elbows in shops, hurry to buy another blockbuster. They yell and worry, like at a house fire, not understanding that there is eternity ahead. A wise man doesn't hurry anywhere. Games come out all by themselves, and he doesn't care.

7. An error in a game is like a pebble, thrown into calm lake waters at a moon night. If there are many pebbles, you can't see the moon beyong ripples. New games are full of errors. Developers never get to fix them all in time. A cop gets stuck in a wall, quests don't get done as they must, enemy attack in half of theit strenght. Only after half year a game gets the desired form. This is why a wise man never plays a game right after release. He waits with patience, until all errors will get fixed, and hus patience gets rewarded a hundred times.

8. New games have high system requirements. Not everyone is able run them on their PC. Not everyone is able to enjoy a game with max detalisation. One generation of graphic accelerators replaces another each half a year, prices for CPUs also drop regularly. What crawls today, tomorrow will gallop. First games for GeForce3 born only a year after its announce. Scalable engine grows flesh of polygons on favourite characters' bodies regardless of calendar. This is why a wise man does not waste time on bying a latest accelerator model. He follows a medium way and knows no barriers. His wallet stays full, and character detalisation - maximal.

9. A bad game leaves only a bunch of press releases after self. A good game gets bigger and bigger over years. Grateful inhabitants find answers on frequently asked questions, make detailed lists of weapons and quests, draw maps and write fiction. O, fount of priceless knowledge! Stilly it rests in electronic depths, guarded by greedy providers. But wise man knows how to avoid obstacles at the path toward truth. Playing without hints and cheat codes, he gratefully accepts the experience accumulated by others and becomes the strongest warrion in the universe.

10. He who beats a new game in three days and three nights is worth compassion. One who doesn't eat and doesn't sleep in desire to get to the final mission is like a wild hog in a flowering garden. Wise man plays a game not for victory. He doesn't hurry anywhere, because he is in peace. His hobby isn't a burden to him, because he plays without a purpose. Dragon is replaced with tiger, but WarCraft III and Fallout stay at their places.

11. A young game is weak and imperfect. Only Blizzard can afford to spend years on gameplay balance, and it still doesn't help. Flight model of some planes isn't like in reality. Romanian stormtrooper's coats have two more buttons than they need. Armor textures are low quality. If the game is bad, people will turn away from it. If the game is good, people will help. A good game gets covered with mods like a ship's bottom with pearl. Some games shouldn't even be played without mods. Happy is he who starts getting into the game years after its release. The most important thing is to install necessary patches in necesary order.

12. He who is able to wait, can wait for an expansion or a sequel. Expansion is a game developers didn't have time to make half year ago. This is why a wise man only buys installments with even numbers, avoiding uneven ones.

13. He who always is in rush and bustle, pays double the price. He who orders games in electronic shop, wastes his labour savings. Greedy tradesmen make money from agiotage, selling air in paper boxes. This is why a wise man never buys games. He waits until everyone get enough of playing, and then borrows a disc from a friend for free. Or buys a box with a manual on a sale. Because money's no object for a box with a good game.

14. How to follow the true way? Calm your heart and free your mind from thoughs. Do not wait for good games to appear at the horizon, watch under your feet. Open the March issue of the MAGAZINE and learn about all the good games of past year. Take a file with MAGAZINE issues from a shelf and read them all from cover to cover, while listening to your heart. Borrow good games from your friends. Open Internet and download necessary patches, mods, maps, lists and advices. Study everything thoughtful and with a taste. Put good games in a line, rotating between fast-paced and slow-paced ones. Spend a year in happy gaming. Open a March issue of the MAGAZINE...


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